Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
