WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
