Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
