oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
