At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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