shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
