mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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