I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
