Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
