Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
