i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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