did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
