listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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