haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When are your genitals available?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
