Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
