I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
