Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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