rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
