It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
