Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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