you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
