Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
be right there i have to get my cape
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
