I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
