dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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