tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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