i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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