she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
