Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
