WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
