Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
