The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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