I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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