we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Randomize
