so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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