do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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