dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
