I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The best revenge is premature balding
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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