genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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