I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
