Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
