i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
