My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
