I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
