There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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