Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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