Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
