Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
