I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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