I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
