i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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