just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
